Chief Cat - Job Description
Executive Summary: A Chief Cat with a sense of humor and loyalty is sought in order to complete a small family of two humans and one bereft Assistant Cat.
Overview: Must have a minimum of three years experience working in a household consisting of two or more humans and at least one other cat.
Physical Attributes: Male. No larger than 12 pounds. Fat cats need not apply.
Reddish would be nice as the two former Chiefs were red heads and we'd like to stay in that groove.
Short coat with no working "male" parts.
No tattoos please or cattoos either.
Experience and skills: Former exposure to dogs is desirable but not necessary.
Experience in avocado groves and tolerance of agricultural machinery noise essential.
Familiarity with basic cat spanish would be helpful. A Catalan accent is acceptable.
Must be able to use litter box when necessary.
Supervision of at least one Assistant Cat will be necessary. A collegial attitude and former experience working on a team would be preferred.
Must be able to sleep 20 hours per 24 hour period.
Drama queens need not apply; we have a low tolerance for catastrophe.
Duties and Responsibilities:
1. Wake-up Household: Must rouse himself from sleep no later than dawn and after awakening the Assistant Cat, immediately begin scratching at human's bedroom door. The Chief must continue with this task until humans have arisen and walked to the kitchen. This will signify the completion of the Wake-up Household task.
2. Jumping out the Door: Second task of the day but no less important than the waking up job, Chief will stand at the door engaging the humans in various kinds of eye contact while walking in circles around the door. Humans will often become involved with nonsensical activities such as making coffee or breakfast and fail to execute their portion of this task. This however is no excuse for the Chief failing to get through the door. Chief must continue the circling, twirling and eye contact until the humans open the door at which point Chief must leap through the opening, regardless of any barrier, such as an indecisive cat hesitating at the opening or lingering too long.
3. Chasing lizards: All day activity. Chief will maintain constant, unwavering surveillance of property. If a lizard or reptile of any kind sets foot on said property Chief Cat shall track and capture lizard, chew off it's tail and chase him/her away.
4. Cleaning and Grooming of Assistant: Day and night activity. Assistant Cat has limited grooming skills and from time to time misses a dab or daub of human aroma on his coat. Chief Cat shall capture Assistant Cat, hold him down by the neck and vigorously lick all vestiges of foreign odor away. Assistant Cat requires help in the ear cleaning department as well. Chief cat shall be able to choke down feelings of revulsion for this bad grooming and view the cleaning of the Assistant as an opportunity for feline charity.
5. Demonstrating Loyalty and Affection to Humans: Day and night responsibility.
Chief Cat should be willing and able to purr loudly and wind around human legs at least once a day.
Sucking on shirt fronts is discouraged at this senior level.
6. Kneading sofa and bedding of Humans: Evening task.
Every evening, the sofa shall be kneaded into submission. Focus and dedication is required to keep pounding away at various spots to achieve the desired result: pre-conditioned seating for tired humans.
7. Squeezing Self: When empty containers are available.
Chief Cat shall be skilled at squeezing himself into the smallest possible container available.
A demonstration of this ability will be required as part of the interview. Applicant is advised to
bring his own container if possible.
8. Riding in Vehicles: Variable.
Applicant must be willing to ride in various vehicles from time to time. For example: Truck rides through the grove, visits to the vet and once in a while a joy ride, just for the hell of it.
Assistant cat rides the back (permanent position). Chief Cat rides shotgun and acts as
a equilibrium indicator swaying back and forth around curves alerting the driver to
changes in terrain and altitude. Applicant may bring to the interview, goggles, a hat and driving gloves if desired.
9. Cat food Criticism: Daily.
Various meals are presented daily to the Chief Cat who requires a discerning palate and the ability to communicate his preferences. No gulping or gobbling of food is allowed - only thoughtful mastication. Chief and Assistant dine together and are served by Mr. Richard, one of our finest! Chief shall register either enthusiasm or indifference for the various products presented and this response will be noted. Records are kept and will remain in the candidate's permanent portfolio.
10. Ignoring Calls from Humans: Daily.
10. Ignoring Calls from Humans: Daily.
Chief Cat shall ignore any and all calls from any and all humans. Even if treats, car rides or affection are offered, Chief must have enough inner control to rise above cheap temptations and follow his own dreams.
Room and board, colloquially known as "three hots and a cot", free run of Rancho de las Paltas. Love and affection from the two resident humans and the Assistant Cat. Weekends off and eight week to ten weeks minimum vacation time while humans roam the outside world. Chief cat is free to use this eight to ten week period for activities of his choice: meditation, physical fitness and catch-up sleeping time are three favorite vacation time activities.
Applications will be accepted daily at email@example.com. Please include pictures if possible.
No cheesecake or photo shopped pictures will be considered.