Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Almost Dead/Unrealistic Resolutions

In the midst of celebrating my birthday, I received an offer in the mail for a free cost estimate on my funeral or cremation services. Apparently, I and my contemporaries have segued into a new demographic group...the Almost Dead. Generation AD. 

The offer from Berry-Bell and Hall throws an entirely new light on life ahead. I'm forced to think about the kind of casket I would like: wood or steel are the choices. I'd like to waste not one second on this decision, opting for cremation and I really don't care what happens to my ashes. However, rudely forced into thinking about THE END, I recalculated all the odds, using actuarial tables and find I can now expect to live to 87.5 years old. Not being one to stretch things too far, I'm hoping for 85 which would be just fine with me.  

For the next ten years in the AD category, I can expect to spend a lot of money and work hard at simply staying alive: exercising and eating practically nothing, having a wellness check-up every six months, having every dot and speck that appears on my aging hide burned off lest it turn cancerous and the cursed MRI's to make sure it's not my tumor causing my increasing craziness. Maybe the worst part of this stage of life is that all of my contemporaries are in the same boat. Nobody wants to hear about your health issues so you better have something else to talk about. 

And so I've been casting about for months, looking for something new and different to do with my time. I found a detective school where for only $750.00 I can, from the comfort of home, acquire a detective-type education and offer my unlicensed services to insurance companies and the federal government for follow-up interviews on security clearances and other exciting assignments.

I'd have a job title again! Tired of writing "retired" on surveys and visa applications, I'd be able to write "Private Detective" or "PI" in that spot. No, I'm not crazy enough to believe I could do this job, but just for fun I'm putting this objective on my fantasy New Year's resolution list right under learning to play the concertina. 

1 comment:

  1. I like the detective idea. But $750! No way. You have enough experience that you shouldn't have to pay. Maybe you could be one of those seniors that do detective work stopping phone scammers. But playing the concertina - I don't think so. Maybe the recorder would be more like it.